Not so long ago I found myself sitting with Louise LeBrun and recording a Catalytic Conversation for the audio series being produced by the WEL-Systems Institute® and I heard myself utter the phrase “Curiosity: A Punishable Offence”. In that moment a number of observations and discoveries coalesced like the colors in a kaleidoscope. I believe that the reason we have made curiosity a punishable offence for our children is to protect the status quo. Dogma, whether religious or cultural, cannot easily coexist in the light of curiosity and which invites questioning of the unquestionable rules espoused by dogma.
My comments about curiosity were made as I considered how curiosity becomes steadily diminished as we age. Children are curious by nature. For a time they may be considered cute and precocious – that is if they are lucky. All too often there comes a time for many of us as children when we learn to take our curiosity deep underground. Some adults are fortunate to retain some of its essence and for many it becomes a lost resource that is trumped by the rules of living among “experts” on everything from what you should eat, what you should wear, to how you should parent or what deity you should worship. Everyone has some form of rules for us to follow – if we are willing. If you aren’t following the rules you may find pardon, - if it even matters to you – as crazy, eccentric or artistic. A century or two back, you may have been beheaded!
Children are repeatedly rewarded for their compliance to rules and external standards. My child has received progress reports from the age of 6 months from his well-intentioned daycare centre. I, without much effort, have resisted parent-teacher interviews about whether he is holding a pencil correctly or can use a computer mouse like his peers in favor of trusting his boundless curiosity to take him to those skills when he decides they are things he is ready to explore. Often, he is simply not responsive to the command performance aspect of evaluations even though his abilities are well developed. His motivation springs from what he values over what someone else expects. I think navigating the school system will prove an interesting discovery for both of us – stay tuned for more articles!
As children we are taught to curb our curiosity under the tutelage of good manners and the familiar refrain of “because I said so!” If you are a parent you are all too familiar with the “why?” stage of child development? Everything you say is met with a request for explanation – even the explanation itself is not exempt for this brand of scrutiny! Such earnest curiosity!
I listen to the stories and unique relationships my son constructs as he explores his world. I am the one in our relationship who asks “why? “ most often now that he has grown past that delightfully exasperating stage. I am frequently stunned and amazed by his explanations. His world is a magical one. It is infinitely creative, harmonious and abundant. What an honor to be invited into his magical kingdom and the not-so-secret password is “Why”.
A common thread of belief in our culture sounds something like, “If children’s curiosity were allowed to run unchecked, we would be faced with an uncontrollable segment of society”. “Youth today are completely out of control.” Isn’t that the current cultural refrain about young people? We, as a society, have been unable to completely stem the flow of curiosity in them through our school systems and our parenting practices so the fire of their creativity and curiosity moves underground and erupts like hot seething lava in other places.
We punish, we medicate, we expel. We teach them not to trust themselves and we are never curious enough to have the conversations with them that might make all the difference – to both of us. How do we engage with our children and with each other, for that matter, in the absence of curiosity? What is there to talk about when we are unwilling to explore what each other has to say?
Too often we fall into the trap of thinking that as parents, educators, elders that we somehow know better, that children and teens need to listen and not converse. And then we wonder what happened to our children as they begin to act in self-destructive ways in order to vent the pent up frustration and confusion we have created in their world. They no longer fit into the tight little boxes society has constructed for them. When will we begin to take responsibility for the fact that we not only created those boxes, we also have the power to dismantle them in order to build something new?
And how can we know what to create for the future without consulting with our children and becoming willing to explore the possibilities of “what else”? I have heard it said, “Conversation IS the relationship”. Conversation requires curiosity in order for it not to descend to the level of lecture and instruction. In order for it to move beyond the installation of dogma passed along mindlessly from one generation to another we must awaken our own curiosity and question the crumbling tenants of society that we cling to for lack of imagination about what might be possible instead.
When you begin to curiously tug on some of the threads of our current belief systems, whatever the culture may be, we run the risk of unraveling the existing tapestry of “what is”. In a culture that reinforces polarized views of right and wrong, good and bad - curiosity becomes enemy number one. It means that we are no longer willing to accept the status quo. We question the prevailing dogma of religion, law, racism, justice, and school systems. When we become curious we poke at all the underpinnings of society.
Curiosity is a dangerous thing. If we became curious enough to ask persistent questions, questions that all to often go unanswered, questions about the war in Afghanistan, about pharmaceuticals, about how we educate and medicate our children, we are labeled as crazy, dissident, heretical, or unpatriotic. Curiosity shakes us awake from the blind stupor of follower and to borrow a children’s fable as an analogy, we notice that the Emperor has no clothes! Worse still – we are willing to speak it! The cloak of Power is indeed an invisible one if you look closely at the carefully constructed illusion.
One of the biggest transformations in my life has been to begin to dust off my own curiosity. I have chosen to live as much as possible with the intention of “Be Curious First”. In that state of openness I have discovered that judgment falls away. I have learned that the stories I tell myself about people and events along with the assumptions I make are scattered like leaves in a strong wind when I approach something in that frame of mind. My world expands exponentially to open a much wider platform. People tell me things that astonish and fascinate me and we are both more because of the experience.
When I consider how often I have been in disagreements that seemed to have clear lines of engagement and then seen the battle lines crumble as a result of asking questions and inviting genuine curiosity into the process I am in awe of its power. Curiosity presupposes that I am safe; the world is safe and invites expansion instead of the tight little knot I can get into when I hunker in to protect my point of view. Curiosity does not mean that I must give up anything that I hold dear and it does not diminish what you hold dear. One of curiosity’s paradoxes is that it is large enough to support and honor two opposing views.
This reminds me of a bioethics course I took long ago, - and did very poorly in. I simply could not lock myself down into only one point of view in order to debate it or defend it in an essay or classroom discussion. I was just too curious about how two parties could see an issue so differently and I was often willing to entertain both as possibilities with lots of other possibilities in between. I used to tell myself that I just lacked the confidence to pick a side and stick with it but as I write this I know that it was not the case. I think curiosity may have been a big player in my refusal to see “a best solution” in many of the very complicated and personal situations that were explored. Isn’t that something for the individual to decide rather than a medical team of “experts”, complete with bio-ethicist? Or am I just crazy?
I don’t know about you, but I enjoy my particular brand of crazy. I find myself less and less willing to just follow the rules. I ask ”why” way too often for the comfort of the many “experts” in my life – from vets to doctors to schoolteachers. Once in a while I find among them a kindred soul who shakes their head as though waking from a deep sleep and enters the conversation with the same eagerness I observe in my son. We are often both surprised by what we discover when curiosity takes the lead.
Curiosity requires that I move beyond the many rules that I carry about being polite, appearing stupid or unprepared, being interpreted as challenging or difficult. The key, I believe, is to allow myself to tap into the place inside me that feels safe and innocent and to then allow my curiosity to flow. My curiosity from that place is completely genuine. Somehow, other people know that too and respond in kind. For those who choose to take offence, well their opinion is just that – their opinion. As I bump into my many rules, I have discovered that a deep breath and a willingness to simply relax into my body opens up the flow of safety and gives me access to the creative flow of curiosity. On its wave, I have taken lots of exciting and unexpected journeys.
And now I am curious about you, dear Reader. Now that you have read to the end, are you curious about what rules you have acquired along the road from childhood to now? Who would you become if you were to choose to ask “why” more often? If you were to take a breath as your body tightened at the thought of breaking “the rules” what wave might carry you forward into some as of yet uncharted territory that promises new discovery? Now that you know the not-so-secret password – “why”-, enjoy the expansive kingdom of possibility that exists in your life!
Copyright 2006 Anita Allen
Anita Allen BScPT, Quantum TLC Facilitator™, CODE Model Coach™ is the founder of WELsprings Institute and is a WEL-Systems Catalyst® who loves to play the game of life full tilt! Her sense of curiosity permeates her work as a writer, speaker, Coach and mother.
Anita is a contributing author in the recently released book Sekhmet Rising: The Restlessness of Women’s Genius. To view other articles written by Anita and to find out more about her coaching, facilitation services, speaking engagements or workshops, visit www.WELsprings.com or contact her directly at anita@WELsprings.com
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